Calling Dr. Bombay

salem-witch Did you know that on August 19th in 1692 five people were hanged in the Salem Witch trials? A harsh punishment for innocent people who were no doubt not actually witches. For the record, while I like Sinatra’s version of the song, I do not believe in witchcraft.

But what about the opposite situation? What sort of consequence exists for those who falsely claim to be witches? What puritanical capital punishment have we got for those nutjobs?

You see, about seven years ago I was run over by a crazy old Witch in a parking lot. And by Witch I don’t mean Bitch, I mean Witch. I was walking through the parking lot, carrying Little Chick — who at the time was just a Baby Chick — when this elderly broad with a lead foot sped through the parking lot and mowed us down.

She was not at all remorseful, in fact grouchy and defensive. While we waited for the ambulance she handed us her card which read “Reverend Mother.”

A nun? I was run over by a nun? Needless to say my friends got a huge kick out of this symbolic twist.

evil_nun-722760 Little Chick and I were both miraculously okay despite the chaos of it all. After several scary hours in the emergency room, it was confirmed Little Chick suffered only a concussion and scraped finger. I had a hairline fracture on my foot, bruises all over my left side, and two herniated discs in my lower back.

A few weeks later we contacted the Evil Reverend Mother to discuss her insurance information which wasn’t syncing up properly. A strange conversation ensued whereby she explained that she was not actually a “nun” but more like a Witch Priestess who performed exorcisms. For money.

Allllllllrighty then.

I swear this sort of thing only happens to me.

Long story short I have suffered with back problems since this incident. Why couldn’t she drive a broom instead of a four-door sedan? I succumbed and had surgery about five years ago, and until this summer, my back has done fairly well. But one pesky move on the Beaverhead this past July 4th changed that. We were wrapping up a great float at a super primitive takeout where the boat practically dangles off the trailer while you are wenching it up. I tried to help push it up, but instead pushed a disk onto a nerve in my back.

It’s driving me nuts. And I am about to start training for the water safari! This is unacceptable pain and I know the oral steroid pack will fix it pronto. But my damn surgeon won’t call in the prescription without a doctor’s visit and an MRI. Ugh!! I don’t have the time or money for that. This may or may not shock you but the FLY FISH CHICK healthcare plan isn’t really all that great. In fact spine issues are pre-existing and not covered at all.

dr bombay I just need the little steroid pack. I don’t want pain pills, I’m not looking for narcotics for heaven’s sake. I just want the damn steroid pack and I don’t want to spend four hours and $800 to have a superstar surgeon tell me I need another surgery — but he will let me try a steroid pack if I really think I need it. Of course I need it, and I will stop at nothing until I get it. I am widening the net. Surgeons, homeopathic healers, general practitioners, OBGyns, witchdoctors, warlocks. I don’t care if it’s the Surgeon General or an utter Quack, someone is going to help me get this magic potion fast and cheap. If I have to conjure up a spell on the Internet, bid for it on ebay, or knock over a CVS, I will get the drug for my back.

Fire up the broomstick. I am on the hunt.


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12 thoughts on “Calling Dr. Bombay

  1. Chickie – - I feel your pain. Go immediately and see my chiropractor in Round Round, Dr. Honeycutt. This guy is a magician! I leave there feeling like I’m 18-years old again. The only drawback is when I get home, my wife is still 58. Enough about my personal problems. Another suggestion is to rub 2-ounces of Maker’s Mark on the sore spot and drink the rest. You’ll feel better. Trust me on this. Best fishes, Rod

  2. thanks everyone for the positive input. sounds like we have a number of back pain sufferers in this crowd. and a number of people who use liquor to self-medicate. cheers.

    I am happy to report I was able to get in quickly to see my GP this mornind and he has prescribed Prednisone to help with the disk inflammation. I am optimistic.

    That said I am not keen on taking harsh steroids & pain pills in on-going manner. I am commited to a 360 approach for all health issues and remain open-minded. A good friend has recommended this site as an alternative treatment for chronic back problems. it looks very interesting and might help some of you as well: http://www.prolotherapynashville.com/

    Cheers to Good Health!

  3. FFC…. this is not a joke and not entended to be one. “Tequila”, seriously I have a very bad back…shot twice in the back, bucked off way to many horse (broke my back in 1983) compressed disks, the whole enchlada.
    I will not take prescription pain medicine, don’t like the zombie feeling,so a DR. recommended (one) shot of Tequila a day….and it works.

    Good luck, Monty

  4. I like Monty’s Dr. and I don’t even know the person! Your issues are extremely timely considering what is going on with the country right now. I think we all agree something has to be fixed with our healthcare system. I hope the debate continues.

    I grew up next to salem. It is a wonderful place that still has a collection of nut jobs. They don’t hang(or press them to death) the just make them work in “alternative” boutiques as cahsiers. A fate worse than death.

    By the way. . . Shorts – acceptable or unacceptable?

  5. Fly Fish Chick…..I know the take out that you referred to on the Beaverhead. I think it’s called Grasshopper (creek). Wouldn’t you like to meet and have a conversation with the “Einstein” that figured that one out? It took 4 men, a boy and alot of luck to get my cataraft out there. The put in just below the dam is equally treacherous….it really isn’t a put in, just a dirt bank with big rocks everywhere.
    You take care of your back….I do not want your career as the coolest Fly Fish Chick anywhere to be cut short by the pain that accompanies herniated discs. We need you to keep our fishing realities intact. TSMITH

  6. Chick, Been there done that with the back problems. Managed to avoid surgery so far. Did do a steroid injection directly into the problem disc about 6 years ago that has worked wonders. I also made it a priority to be on good terms with my chiropractor and a massage therapist.

    Monty’s doc must have known my grandmother! She was a firm believer in taking a daily dose of bourbon. For medicinal purposes of course.

  7. Hey I just had a thought…you are starting training right, back is acting up so rigerous outdor activity is suffering, maybe you can sit….and hand stir some cupcake batter for those of us who are not on a diet and in training…we would glady keep you in shape until next race.

    Just a thought on you welfare.

  8. shot? twice? monty you are something else. i’d be scared for the person who shot you. in the back.

    yall are the best! sorry to hear so many of you have suffered back troubles as well. but grateful for the empathy. fingers crossed this steroid will get me back on track. otherwise I will go for the tequila & cupcakes! I swear, Monty, if I could figure out how to send the cupckes I would!

  9. accupuncture—

    and all booze therapy

    but primarily accupuncture

    and your regularly scheduled hydrotherapy

  10. FFC, sorry to hear of the pain, Been there still doing that. Have two bad discs that the DR. has been saying “you need surgery” since 1978… All of the remedies so far sound good. I like the water therapy and booze altho Rum would be the BEST! Last winter I hurt so bad I did not want to fish. THAT IS UNHEARD OF!
    AFter much cash outlay for deductables and such and 4 epidural shots over 8 weeks.. I feel pretty good.Dont have any steroids here but would send a few Hydrocodones but I would get BUSTED. Good luck de Paul

  11. thanks all! never heard of hydrotherapy or water therapy. does that mean go fishing? well I am trying! less than two weeks til MT…I appreciate all the advice and well-wishes!! keepm ‘em coming, I am open. I am on day two of the steroids so we’ll see. think it might feel a little better already? perhaps they are sugar pills and it’s the positive outlook, but hey, as long as it’s better and I can fish and start paddle training soon I don’t care!

    I did work Dr Monty’s tequila remedy last night. but like a dog who has his pill wrapped in bread I had mine in the form of margaritas. Rocks, no salt. And now I am bright eyed & bushy tailed off to meet Little Chick’s new teacher!

    Anyone have a breathmint?

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