The Best Raccoon Penis Story I Have Ever Heard
Celebrity sighting stories are a dime a dozen. The “I got Drunk with Celebrity XYZ” tale really isn’t that impressive either. I mean said celeb was probably on track to get drunk anyway, you were just in the way. But my friend Jeff’s celebrity encounter has to be the greatest of all time.
Jeff is an avid fisherman and diehard music fan. He drove over from Tallahassee last month to join us at Springfest. He came early, while his wife Leah would arrive the following day.
So it was the first night of Springfest and we were enjoying one of the early evening shows. Jeff and I were talking about music and bands and great concerts we’d seen, a conversation that for me, has to include Willie Nelson.
Jeff tells me about going to see Willie Nelson at a concert back in the 70s. He was very close to the stage, and he noticed women were throwing offerings at Willie’s feet. Mostly flowers, perhaps a sundry of other items. Jeff was so inspired by the Redheaded Stranger he too was compelled to throw something up for Willie. But what did he have to throw? He gave himself a mini pat-down, reached in his pocket and pulled out an Abraham.
Jeff recognized the blank look on my face and began to explain what an Abraham is. “You see there are only two mammals on the planet that have bones in their penis.”
(I know. Seriously. This post just writes itself.)
Apparently, boner isn’t a misnomer for whales and raccoons who actually have bones in their penises. And since it’s pretty hard to grow up in the southeastern part of the US hunting whales, this story is about raccoon penises.
Not only an avid fisherman and diehard music fan, Jeff is a big-time coon hunter. He grew up coon hunting with his father who taught him the age old tradition of cutting out the bone from a raccoon’s penis. All coon hunters know it’s customary to keep the bone, which once dried and retained for posterity, is called an Abraham. Apparently it is the ultimate feather in one’s coon skip cap.
According to Jeff, back in the day (I’m not sure which “day’”) Abrahams were a coveted souvenir and ladies of the gentile class used them to stir their drinks.
I’ve since google-researched the raccoon penis bone tradition and apparently Jerry Hall once told her quasi-husband Mick Jagger that growing up in Texas, when a boy liked a girl he would give her an Abraham as a love token. And a quick search on ebay indicates these are still highly prized treasures.
Jeff continued with his story. “I reached into my pocket and found an old Abraham. So I threw it up on stage to Willie. Willie reached down, immediately recognized what it was, smiled, and put the Abraham right in his pocket.”
WHOA!!! Willie Nelson was performing on stage with my friend Jeff’s raccoon penis bone right in his pocket. And if that weren’t enough…what’s a good Willie story that doesn’t involve…you got it….Waylon.
So several years later Jeff was going to see Willie and Waylon in concert in Albany Georgia. A friend who worked for the local radio station was able to secure a backstage pass so Jeff could meet them before the show. Unfortunately Willie got sick and had to cancel, so Waylon would have to carry the show on his own.
Jeff and a friend are backstage meeting Waylon Jennings. In some bizarre twist of fate they started talking about Willie Nelson and Jeff tells Waylon his story about throwing Willie the Abraham, and Willie pocketing the dadgum thing. Waylon lit up like a house on fire.
Willie had given that very Abraham to Waylon!
I about fell over when I heard this part of the story. It’s enough to pulverize the skull it’s so much fabulousness to take in at one time. Jeff throws a penis bone to WILLIE NELSON the greatest living legend of this millennium and the last one and the next one. Willie pockets the thing with a smile and later gives it to his epic outlaw partner in crime, Waylon Jennings. And in some serendipitous fold of fate, Jeff has the opportunity to learn about it, full circle.
I was agog. I was squealing with delight. It was all too much. Jeff seemed tickled that I was like a toddler at bedtime wanting to hear the story over and over again. He called his wife Leah and asked her to bring a photograph and an extra Abraham so I could see what they look like.
Surefire Leah shows up with this incredible picture from backstage the Waylon concert. Jeff is second from the left.
And then, Jeff graciously gave me my very own Abraham! I couldn’t believe it. I was so touched. My very own highfalutin drink stirrer:
Thank you Jeff and Leah for a great story and the kind gift. I love it. It’s in my jewelry box. Next time I see Willie in concert, you have one guess what I’m taking with me in my pocket.