The Best Raccoon Penis Story I Have Ever Heard

coon hat Celebrity sighting stories are a dime a dozen. The “I got Drunk with Celebrity XYZ” tale really isn’t that impressive either. I mean said celeb was probably on track to get drunk anyway, you were just in the way. But my friend Jeff’s celebrity encounter has to be the greatest of all time.

Jeff is an avid fisherman and diehard music fan. He drove over from Tallahassee last month to join us at Springfest. He came early, while his wife Leah would arrive the following day.

So it was the first night of Springfest and we were enjoying one of the early evening shows. Jeff and I were talking about music and bands and great concerts we’d seen, a conversation that for me, has to include Willie Nelson.

Jeff tells me about going to see Willie Nelson at a concert back in the 70s. He was very close to the stage, and he noticed women were throwing offerings at Willie’s feet. Mostly flowers, perhaps a sundry of other items. Jeff was so inspired by the Redheaded Stranger he too was compelled to throw something up for Willie. But what did he have to throw? He gave himself a mini pat-down, reached in his pocket and pulled out an Abraham.

Jeff recognized the blank look on my face and began to explain what an Abraham is. “You see there are only two mammals on the planet that have bones in their penis.”

(I know. Seriously. This post just writes itself.)

raccoon_skeleton Apparently, boner isn’t a misnomer for whales and raccoons who actually have bones in their penises. And since it’s pretty hard to grow up in the southeastern part of the US hunting whales, this story is about raccoon penises.

Not only an avid fisherman and diehard music fan, Jeff is a big-time coon hunter. He grew up coon hunting with his father who taught him the age old tradition of cutting out the bone from a raccoon’s penis. All coon hunters know it’s customary to keep the bone, which once dried and retained for posterity, is called an Abraham. Apparently it is the ultimate feather in one’s coon skip cap.

According to Jeff, back in the day (I’m not sure which “day’”) Abrahams were a coveted souvenir and ladies of the gentile class used them to stir their drinks.

I’ve since google-researched the raccoon penis bone tradition and apparently Jerry Hall once told her quasi-husband Mick Jagger that growing up in Texas, when a boy liked a girl he would give her an Abraham as a love token. And a quick search on ebay indicates these are still highly prized treasures.

Jeff continued with his story. “I reached into my pocket and found an old Abraham. So I threw it up on stage to Willie. Willie reached down, immediately recognized what it was, smiled, and put the Abraham right in his pocket.”

WHOA!!! Willie Nelson was performing on stage with my friend Jeff’s raccoon penis bone right in his pocket. And if that weren’t enough…what’s a good Willie story that doesn’t involve…you got it….Waylon.

OBIT JENNINGS So several years later Jeff was going to see Willie and Waylon in concert in Albany Georgia. A friend who worked for the local radio station was able to secure a backstage pass so Jeff could meet them before the show. Unfortunately Willie got sick and had to cancel, so Waylon would have to carry the show on his own.

Jeff and a friend are backstage meeting Waylon Jennings. In some bizarre twist of fate they started talking about Willie Nelson and Jeff tells Waylon his story about throwing Willie the Abraham, and Willie pocketing the dadgum thing. Waylon lit up like a house on fire.

Willie had given that very Abraham to Waylon!

I about fell over when I heard this part of the story. It’s enough to pulverize the skull it’s so much fabulousness to take in at one time. Jeff throws a penis bone to WILLIE NELSON the greatest living legend of this millennium and the last one and the next one. Willie pockets the thing with a smile and later gives it to his epic outlaw partner in crime, Waylon Jennings. And in some serendipitous fold of fate, Jeff has the opportunity to learn about it, full circle.

I was agog. I was squealing with delight. It was all too much. Jeff seemed tickled that I was like a toddler at bedtime wanting to hear the story over and over again. He called his wife Leah and asked her to bring a photograph and an extra Abraham so I could see what they look like.

Surefire Leah shows up with this incredible picture from backstage the Waylon concert. Jeff is second from the left.

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And then, Jeff graciously gave me my very own Abraham! I couldn’t believe it. I was so touched. My very own highfalutin drink stirrer:

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Thank you Jeff and Leah for a great story and the kind gift. I love it. It’s in my jewelry box. Next time I see Willie in concert, you have one guess what I’m taking with me in my pocket.

Comments
24 Responses to “The Best Raccoon Penis Story I Have Ever Heard”
  1. Melissa says:

    I LOVE this story! And thank you FFC for being a “whale” of a writer (boner pun intended). This is one of the best blog posts EVER (from anyone, anywhere, about anything). It’s 6:30 AM in Golden, CO, it’s snowing and I’m laughing out loud and thinking about all the people I need to send this link to.

    Well done, my friend!
    Melissa
    PS I don’t know about stirring your cocktail with that thing. And why is it bent? Eew, do girl raccoons like that?

  2. you have to love a comment that includes “boner pun intended” and strangely enough, isn’t creepy at all.

    you are the best. isn’t this hilarious? I am a raccoon penis neophyte so I don’t have many answers to technical questions but yes, they are curved. apparently they hook-crook in there. strange. all so strange.

    I haven’t actually stirred a drink with mine yet but I will. promise. maybe at Easter Brunch? ooh, or I am going to a wedding in May. that seems like a good time to pull it out of my handbag….

  3. Annette says:

    I’ve been quietly reading your blog for some time now. I live in NYC and this puts all my celebrity sighting stories to shame. Excellent — I will never look at a raccoon the same way.

  4. delighted annette that you’ve joined us! jump in any time. I’m sure you have some tall tales to share from ny…

    ALL: it has been brought to my attention that it is not WHALES and raccoons with penis bones, but WALRUSES and raccoons with penis bones.

  5. Mia says:

    Great story! I have a “boner” from my bear. It always makes for great laughs when someone picks it up off the shelf at the house!

  6. HA! About 15 years ago while in California at a friends house, I noticed something on the shelf. When I inquired what it was I was told it was a petrified walrus penis! Yeah, apparently people keep those things. If I gave one of those to my wife, she’d keep it for about…uh…2 minutes.

  7. nita says:

    fantastic story. funniest thing? that you felt you needed to point out jeff is 2nd from left in the photo ;)

    but now i want one!

  8. EcoRover says:

    Now who could resist a good ‘coon penis story? Where I grew up in the Alleghenies, some trappers would wear a “coon bone” necklace. Geez, I’ll just stick with my elk whistlers.

  9. Paul Johnson says:

    It’s fun to read and see the puns keep coming, layer upun layer.

  10. Pete McD says:

    This might be the most…um…unique story ever posted on a fly fishing blog.

  11. Magssno says:

    Fly fishing – raccoons “bits” not really got a lot in common (unless you try using the bone as a float on the end of your line lol!)
    Anyway, this story certainly brought a smile to my face, keep up the good work

  12. Fatguy Aaron says:

    Awesome story, cool souvenir, but I don’t know if i’d stir my drink with that thing. With my luck I’d get drunk and leave it in the drink and choke on it and die. I don’t want my tombstone to say I died choking on any sort of penis. Anyway thanks for sharing that story, it’s been a while since I smiled so big my face hurt.

  13. I will never look at a raccoon in any other way. I’ve laughed out so loud while reading this blog. Now, my office mates are enjoying this post.

  14. Alex Landeen says:

    Hmm… got a little curve to it.

  15. breambum says:

    FFC, even though I’ve worshiped the Willie and have tried to live by the WWWD (what would Willie do) creed for decades and that I’ve known all about the “bacculum” of the raccoon,walrus and some otters also…this has to be one of the best stories I’ve heard in a very long time…Thanks

  16. thanks a million breambum!! it was hilarious to hear firsthand. happy to pass it along!

  17. this is officially the most hilarious comment I think I’ve ever received on the FFC blog.

  18. Al McKegg says:

    First time I ran across a coon peckerbone was at a party. One guest, a very attractive woman, had the most unusual earrings I’d ever seen, in fact, so unusual I was, uh, admiring them with my fingertips (admittedly, second-best to admiring her with said fingertips.)
    She, like my wife, is a wildlife biologist, so I should’ve guessed those earrings were more than just unusual.
    Yes, both were raccoon baculums (baculi?) I’d imagine using one as a drink stirrer would be a real attention-getter. I may even try it.

  19. Brian says:

    Just FYI – Your friend has the penis-bone ratio backwards. most mammals have them. Even the primates have them, except spider monkeys. Raccoons have unusually large penises for their size, and big bones.

    For male creatures that have to bang and run, it helps. Just faster you know. A muscle slides it forward and presto- he’s in business. It’s over in less than a minute and he’s on his way. Only a few mammals take their time like we do.

    A few other oddballs who share the human lack of a penis bone – elephants, whales, horses. (See a pattern? Mostly they are big enough nobody bothers to try eating them while they are “engaged” and distracted. We humans find other ways to be left alone while messing around.) Elephants are somewhat legendary in the amount of mounting time they have. Whales can go for an hour, easy. And a whale has the longest penis on record at 9 feet. It’s flexible.

  20. Carolyn Hellmuth says:

    OMG!! As an avid fly fisher, I am a member of an organization called Sisters on the Fly. During one of our get togethers along the White River here in Arkansas, one of my sisters asked if any of us had any raccoon penis bones. It seems she includes them in brides bouquets that she makes. What followed was a long discussion about them and stopping to check all raccoon road kill for her. Now that I’ve read from you that gentile ladies used them as drink stirrers, I can think of nothing nicer to present to a sister than a raccoon penis bone with her sister number carved into it. What a wonderful gift that would be.

  21. this is AWESOME!! first of all….hell yes on your female flyfishing club. I literally just posted a podcast I did with the CEO of Trout Unlimited about getting more women into flyfishing. second of all, where and how can I see pictures of her bridel bouquets with the raccoon penis bones in them?? PLS post a picture! that is fantastic. I am thinking of having one turned into a necklace myself. I am rewriting my raccoon penis story this week….it might just live on as a chapter in my next book!

    THX for posting, Carolyn!

  22. Carole says:

    Great story! I may pass along to my Dad who is a Willie Die-hard fan! A LOT of mammals have Baculas though! (penis bones)

  23. Glad you enjoyed it!! Stay tuned, I think an updated version of this story is going in my new book. Cheers!

  24. absinthe says:

    Only two mammals have a penile bone? No quite. Most do. It’s easier to list the ones that don’t, such as humans, equids, hyenas, and a few others.

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